Swamped in submissions…

swamped

I’ve not been great at replying. I’ve been bad at checking emails. But I’ve been worse at posting. Life’s done that thing of getting in way. Swamped by essays on Georgian Literature, Genre and Popular Culture, on Pope and Keats to Miller and Tarantino… I’ve been eyes deep in foot notes and journals, in bibliographies and books and I’m out the other side. Yes I’m sat back relaxing to the sweet sound of no work, and the prospect of the New Year…

And further deadlines, dissertations and that casual decision of ‘What I’m going to do with my life’. It would seem that things have turned out exactly how I imagined University to be, unrelenting, stressful and daunting. I have to admit the ride over the last two years hasn’t been too bad and now that I’m half way through the final part and on the cusp of starting my working career, I’m contemplating anything but deciding what to do.

So as I’m curled up on the sofa, with a cup of tea, two very fluffy cats, surrounded by research and an iPad poised in a vague attempt to consider work, I think I may just sit back, relax, stare at the log burner, and rest. For tomorrow is yet another day. I’m back on here, I’ve a lot to catch up on with you and, well, we could all just use a minute to ourselves.

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Love conquers and confuses.

“Love, is a losing Game”. A famous line, but really isn’t it? Does it not cause endless heartbreak, suffering, upset because the one you love can live up to, can never be all that you want? No that would be a pessimist talking and not something I care to indulge in. Love, in every form, friend, romantic, the full-blown affair of your life, is after all, one of those things that makes life worth living. Even for all the emotional trauma, it’s still great.

But I’ve got a question. Its one I don’t really know the answer to, I’m not even sure I’m asking for one, it’s just something that’s bothering me and I can’t seem to make my mind up on. I am a person who likes to think psychologically, philosophically about life and when I can’t find a conclusion to something, my own stance. It gets to me, so here it is…

Can you be in love with someone, fall for someone, lust after someone and have someone be in love with and you love them as a friend, all at the same time? Is it possible to illicit so many closely related feelings towards so many different people, all at once.

To love someone, means to care for them, means to love them as a person, their flaws and intricacies, their strange traits and habits, the essence of their being. But are you in love with them? Can you love someone but not be in love with them any longer, and therefore fall for someone else?

We’ve all been with people when things have got tough, you’re going through a rocky patch and suddenly you meet someone, who seems – like a breath of fresh air. You laugh and talk for hours, cry at their jokes, you have chemistry you can’t imagine, but is that just because of the situation. Are you confused, down, needing comfort and reassurance that you are still, lovely, attractive…

I’m a woman who can differentiate between sex and love. Sex to me doesn’t have to be, loving or intimate, it can just be sex. That doesn’t mean I can have one night stands, I have to know the person, have been seeing them, but I don’t have to have, an emotional attachment to them in that sense. I can just fancy them, and want to screw them, and that be the end of it. If you love someone, should you never feel that primeval urge to get with someone else? How can you, we’re not monogamous creatures. I’m not advocating cheating or acting upon these feelings but their they’re, so you can’t argue that you don’t lust just because you love.

So what about confusing lust with falling for someone. When things are rough and you meet someone and you get along, is it to easy to confuse wanting to get with them, to wanting to be with them. Make you contemplate throwing away your relationship for something that you’ll inevitably realise was, nothing more than two people who got along.

And then there’s the question of friends. We’ve all been in that situation, and had someone like us more than a friend. You care about each other a great deal, you’re incredibly close, maybe you even fooled around a bit when you first met or got drunk and slept together. But you know they like you more. you don’t want to lose them, so you inevitably continue on a path that will one day collide with their feelings intentions and your own.

I believe if you are madly deeply in love with someone you can lust but you cannot fall, if you love but aren’t in love, then anything is possible, you are conflicted and torn and its dangerous to get to close to anyone, if you’re lusting after someone, and insecure, in a bad place then confusion for falling for someone is inevitable. And friends? I personally don’t see that you can lead someone on, you wouldn’t, you either like them more than that but wouldn’t manna ruin a friendship and lose them, or your heartless and manipulative and lead people on.

I know someone in most of these situations at this time in their life, and the thing that always comes across to me, is that, they’re conflicted. They don’t know what they want, or where they’re at. How can you commit yourself to someone or start developing feelings when you are so all over the place in yourself. It’s a dangerous path, you seek comfort and appreciation from others around you that, you wouldn’t normally, wanting to feel loved, accepted, wanted, based on your own mental state at the time.

My advice to anyone in a difficult situation, remove yourself from it. All of it. Take a break from your relationship, take a break from the fling or person you’re starting with, no more sexting the person you lust after, or meeting up all the time with that friend. Take time out, sort yourself out. Even if you think you’re Ok, sit down and think about it, are you really feeling like you, or, feeling a bit out of sorts. Acting a bit, unlike yourself.

We’re complex people, with complicated emotions. But at least I guess, it keeps life interesting.