Not a self promoter.

Now I’m not one for boasting, bragging or bigging oneself up… it would seem I’m not really a fan of words that begin with B, apart from… boobs, belles, boys, bits, bums… We can see what I have on my mind. Anyways, I don’t think it’s necessary or very becoming from a young lady, such as myself. To be honest, it’s not great in anyone. There’s confidence, there’s being proud of an achievement, then there’s arrogance and rubbing people’s faces in your success – it’s a fine line to tread.

I’m not one for self promotion. I don’t wish to attract that much attention to myself. I am confident in my own skin, I know me, what I like, what I don’t, and if I don’t or am unsure, I’ll spend a few hours debating it in my mind, and possibly sharing it with you. But. There are things I know I am good at, and there are things I know I excel. We all know our own strengths as well as our own weaknesses but I tend to focus more on what I enjoy, more than what I think I may be good at.

As far as I am aware, I think its fairly dangerous to trust your own opinion of yourself. Know yourself, like yourself be proud of yourself, but don’t think you know it all, after all, we lie to ourselves all the time. We lie to others about ourselves, we are in effect our best friend and our own worst enemies, for quite those reasons. Always out to protect but also to blind. So well, I thought I’d do something very random, because I am random and I feel like it.

I’m going to share some things with you. What they will be are things I like, things that interest me, things I love, and they’ll be relevant. To me, to you, to something you like, a common interest, to someone you know, or to knowing where I’m coming from when you hear my ramblings a little more.

I’m an English student. I spend most of my days with my head in a book, thinking about a book, reading a book about a book or thinking about what I’m not reading. I spend time exploring history, philosophy, psychology, sociology, epistemology, literary theory, I’m an overthinker by trade, probably why I spend such a long time looking into things on a microscopic level, I’m a lover of analysis – whether its of a page, a character, a period, a psyche, or just my muddled and cuffudled brain.

I’m a TEFL qualified teacher, so I mould the brains of non English speaking students, which is ironic seeing as I seem to pay very little attention to grammar, punctuation spelling, or even whether the word I use actually exists in my own personal life. I enjoy teaching, love teaching, I find it the most interesting and fascinating thing to do. Its inspiring, rewarding, challenging, had work and fun, and they are all the reasons I love doing so.

I’m a writer of erotica. Don’t get too excited, I’m not published (well in an anthology, somewhere… not big time, published) I have a blog, I write sex as sex should be, raw, passionate and without too much soppiness and character. Its all about release and self expression. its another side of me to this one, a more primitive, raw, randy side agreed, but a side I embrace all the same.

I’ve started a music blog, because I’ve realised I listen to a lot of obscure stuff, that people seem to be very interested in when it comes up. I mention people nobody has ever heard of and that have less than 1000 followers on Facebook. I like finding odd little artists and songs, searching for something new to my ear, to prick the hairs on the back of my neck and make me stop and listen. And as I love sharing, well why not share that too, seems selfish to keep all my little musical treasurers to myself.

I write for my University online publication, infact, I’m under interview for Editor in Chief. I’ve been in print issues, and my writing is journalistic, from news to current affairs, reviews and previews, entertainment to fashion, politics to columnist pieces. I enjoy all sorts of writing. I think words are the most powerful tool, and weapon at our disposal, and I’m rather a fan of playing with them.

Now. I know that all this sounds like a bit of a boast, that I’m trying to show off, say how well I write, how many different things I can throw my hand at, how busy I am. Its not. I’m not a great writer, I enjoy it, there are certainly better out there. I’m a fan of commas and long sentences, using the ‘three’ in description and prescribing to clichés when I feel like it. I write colloquially, without thought, or point. I ramble, I jump about, I even forget the point I started with and end up somewhere completely different – not a to b, more… j to r (if you follow my meaning).

I’m simply saying it because, well I thought you might like to get to know me. Maybe you might want to read something completely different and fancy my other blogs, perhaps I felt like divulging, or maybe I felt like taking stock of what I do do. I think I may have my fingers in two many pies to do any properly or to the level I truly wish to. I’ve neglected my blogs of late with life’s general hiccups as it is, let alone kept on top of everything else, but as long as their a pleasure and not a chore, I’ll keep doing them. Thats what life’s about isn’t it. Sharing. Doing things you love. Talking to one and other.

Do I follow you, do you have another blog I should be checking out? – post it. If I’m not writing I’m reading something, editing work for the paper, books for University, marking for students homework or an album review. Might even be the back of my cereal box. If you fancy some music, or erotica – ask. If you want to know something else –  ask. If you want to chat – talk. I am, as they say, all ears. I fancy sharing, so lets here something about you.

What do you do, what do you like?

Love conquers and confuses.

“Love, is a losing Game”. A famous line, but really isn’t it? Does it not cause endless heartbreak, suffering, upset because the one you love can live up to, can never be all that you want? No that would be a pessimist talking and not something I care to indulge in. Love, in every form, friend, romantic, the full-blown affair of your life, is after all, one of those things that makes life worth living. Even for all the emotional trauma, it’s still great.

But I’ve got a question. Its one I don’t really know the answer to, I’m not even sure I’m asking for one, it’s just something that’s bothering me and I can’t seem to make my mind up on. I am a person who likes to think psychologically, philosophically about life and when I can’t find a conclusion to something, my own stance. It gets to me, so here it is…

Can you be in love with someone, fall for someone, lust after someone and have someone be in love with and you love them as a friend, all at the same time? Is it possible to illicit so many closely related feelings towards so many different people, all at once.

To love someone, means to care for them, means to love them as a person, their flaws and intricacies, their strange traits and habits, the essence of their being. But are you in love with them? Can you love someone but not be in love with them any longer, and therefore fall for someone else?

We’ve all been with people when things have got tough, you’re going through a rocky patch and suddenly you meet someone, who seems – like a breath of fresh air. You laugh and talk for hours, cry at their jokes, you have chemistry you can’t imagine, but is that just because of the situation. Are you confused, down, needing comfort and reassurance that you are still, lovely, attractive…

I’m a woman who can differentiate between sex and love. Sex to me doesn’t have to be, loving or intimate, it can just be sex. That doesn’t mean I can have one night stands, I have to know the person, have been seeing them, but I don’t have to have, an emotional attachment to them in that sense. I can just fancy them, and want to screw them, and that be the end of it. If you love someone, should you never feel that primeval urge to get with someone else? How can you, we’re not monogamous creatures. I’m not advocating cheating or acting upon these feelings but their they’re, so you can’t argue that you don’t lust just because you love.

So what about confusing lust with falling for someone. When things are rough and you meet someone and you get along, is it to easy to confuse wanting to get with them, to wanting to be with them. Make you contemplate throwing away your relationship for something that you’ll inevitably realise was, nothing more than two people who got along.

And then there’s the question of friends. We’ve all been in that situation, and had someone like us more than a friend. You care about each other a great deal, you’re incredibly close, maybe you even fooled around a bit when you first met or got drunk and slept together. But you know they like you more. you don’t want to lose them, so you inevitably continue on a path that will one day collide with their feelings intentions and your own.

I believe if you are madly deeply in love with someone you can lust but you cannot fall, if you love but aren’t in love, then anything is possible, you are conflicted and torn and its dangerous to get to close to anyone, if you’re lusting after someone, and insecure, in a bad place then confusion for falling for someone is inevitable. And friends? I personally don’t see that you can lead someone on, you wouldn’t, you either like them more than that but wouldn’t manna ruin a friendship and lose them, or your heartless and manipulative and lead people on.

I know someone in most of these situations at this time in their life, and the thing that always comes across to me, is that, they’re conflicted. They don’t know what they want, or where they’re at. How can you commit yourself to someone or start developing feelings when you are so all over the place in yourself. It’s a dangerous path, you seek comfort and appreciation from others around you that, you wouldn’t normally, wanting to feel loved, accepted, wanted, based on your own mental state at the time.

My advice to anyone in a difficult situation, remove yourself from it. All of it. Take a break from your relationship, take a break from the fling or person you’re starting with, no more sexting the person you lust after, or meeting up all the time with that friend. Take time out, sort yourself out. Even if you think you’re Ok, sit down and think about it, are you really feeling like you, or, feeling a bit out of sorts. Acting a bit, unlike yourself.

We’re complex people, with complicated emotions. But at least I guess, it keeps life interesting.