Hips, Hernia’s and Headf*cks.

I guess all my posts of late have been leading up to this one – My general mood state and life at present. I guess it might put things in a bit of perspective. I hadn’t and haven’t really wanted to go into details, I’m a positive sort of person and I haven’t felt like going into details. But the more people I connect with in our lovely blogging community I guess it doesn’t matter.

This idea I keep badgering on about, about loving yourself, being less critical, being positive is because, I guess that’s precisely what I’m having to be that moment. Resilient. I’ve just broken up with my partner of two years, currently sat with both my legs cast awaiting news of a massive operation, with a 25% chance of walking afterwards.

I’m a girl with incredibly unlucky health. This year it would appear it’s finally come to a head. I’ve had problems with my lower limbs for years, taking strong painkillers everyday that have caused my stomach to bleed and my liver to panic, my kidneys to struggle, my general health to diminish. I’ve collapsed ankle joints, femoral anteversion (my knees point inwards so I can’t bend my legs without them touching) and hips that dislocate. I spend a great deal of time struggling to walk or on crutches, with swollen joints and agonising aches.

Yesterday I went for a scan of my abdomen and have two congenital hernia’s, holes in my stomach wall I was born with and my intestines are poking through the muscular wall, causing a great deal of discomfort for years and never realising what it was. I’ve a heart condition, that causes me to randomly blackout and feel as though I’m having a mild heart-attack, not being able to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and slipping in and out of consciousness.

I’ve had depression since a child. Diagnosed ten years ago, I’ve had everything, CBT, counselling, Psychotherapy, and drugs everyday. My brain simply doesn’t make those lovely happy chemicals that keep us all ticking over nicely. To put it simply, I’m a bit of a mess at the moment.

Everyday is a struggle to get up, find the energy, suffering with insomnia, no sleep because of pain and discomfort, I spend much of my time uncomfortable and wandering whats the point. But there is one, I refuse to give in and have everything affect me. So I may be clinically depressed, always in a state of depression, but if you met me you’d see I’m one of the happiest, most positive people you’ll ever meet.

So it may be a well placed mask, a front to cover up how I feel, but to be honest, my life isn’t that awful. I refuse to give in, lay back and feel sorry for myself. I’ve a lot on my plate yes, but it isn’t unmanageable. It isn’t something I can’t handle, it’s just life. Its full of ups and downs and curveballs and mine, well are just as anyone elses I guess.

I refuse to be self loathing, self-interested, self obsessed. To think about my life and no one else and get down about it. It’s just one of those things I deal with and I’m ok with that. You’ll never hear me moaning that I’m in pain, that I’m not feeling great. I’ll never say I’m having a bad day or I can’t cope because, tomorrow I could be fine. I stay positive, look for the good in life and focus on being happy, whatever that means.

Life isn’t a box of chocolates. We can’t pick the path we’re given or the things we have to deal with, but we still have to. Whether I feel like it or not, I still have a life to lead, things to be doing, things to concentrate on. I have many things going for me and that’s what we all must remember. I’ll no doubt go into detail about everything at some point, but to be honest, I don’t feel the need to dwell, to linger on things that I can’t control.

Best to carry on, to remind yourself that life could be far far worse, and carry,well in my case, hobble on 🙂 Everyone has problems, no ones are worse than anyone elses because they’re relative to what we’ve dealt with in the past, what we’ve had to face, a small bump to one person could be a big deal to someone else. It’s not ok to put someone else down or demean them for being upset about something trivial, if indeed it’s affecting them, well. It’s all about being understanding and respectful of other people and their lives.

I like my life, for all its ups and downs and traumas. So its stressful, so I’m likely to have a heart-attack by the time I’m thirty, likely to end in a wheelchair and to struggle everyday to want to be here and carry on, but it’s what makes me. We are made by our experiences. I have resilience, self-respect and a self-awareness others can only dream of. I am the person I am because of what I deal with. I cope because I have done and will always continue to do so.

I am positive because I want to be, because life’s to short and life is about the ride, the journey. I enjoy living, I enjoy my pain, it makes me feel alive, I enjoy the struggles because it’s when your realise who you really are, what you’re truly about – your essence and core is, revealed almost.

This may be the only time you hear me being, negative if you like. And it’s not so much that, it’s just stating life as it is. I’m not asking for sympathy of for people to be concerned about me. I don’t bang on about health issues for attention or love. I am just me.  So I may hide whats really going on, I may wear a front some days, present a happier me than I’m really feeling but, it’s not that I don’t want people to know, that I’m ashamed or that I think people would think I’m a whiny bitch… It’s just, it isn’t a big deal to me – it isn’t a focus.

What is, is being happy, helping others, getting my education, spending time with loved ones, bettering myself as a person, enjoying every minute as maybe pessimistically put, It might be your last. That’s not negative, its optimistic. If you live life as though today is your last day, you never waste time, you embrace every second, even if that’s sitting down and doing nothing or out and about making the most of your day.


5 thoughts on “Hips, Hernia’s and Headf*cks.

  1. I was touched by your honesty. I’ve been battling epilepsy for years so understand, granted to a much smaller degree, some of the pain you’ve been dealing with. Sometimes our bodies feel like our prisons and sometimes like our… not sure of right word here as am tired… surfboards ? nope that wasn’t it 🙂 I know we’re complete strangers but I enjoy reading your lovely, seemingly natural, writing style. I know that probably doesn’t sound like much but I wanted to let you know that…

    • And i’m touched by such a lovely comment. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about your epilepsy, its an awful condition, they thought my blackouts might have been linked to something neurological, thats still up for debate. I totally agree, our bodies are vessels, sometimes they carry us and drive us forwards, sometimes they contain us, stunt us, cage us. I couldn’t agree more. Surfboards I think is quite a lovely way of putting it 🙂
      Thats what I love about blogging, it doesnt matter that we don’t know each other, your comment and lovely words have touched me, to know someone is enjoying my ramblings and musings, as much as I do reading theirs and hearing from them.
      Thank you once again!!

  2. Sometimes I hate the mask I wear, makes me feel fake or false. Other times the mask is the only thing holding me together, like an exoskeleton that protects the real me.
    I hate some of the things that happen in my life, but I don’t hate my life.

    Insomnia sucks, I have sleep apnea and have had issues getting a good sleep for some time. Everything is so much harder to face when you’re tired, problems seem greater, pain more acute.

    Even when my life isn’t great, something new occurs, maybe a new technology or a new discovery. Life goes on despite us, so might as well enjoy it I guess.

    Love your writing.

    • I think my mask, is me. It took therapists two years to break mine down its so well fixed in place, a coping mechanism rather than a falseness I feel, that that is really me. Its just me with a positive front and a smile. Its not me being fake, but I wouldnt wanna be around a crying snivelling wreck that we can all be at times so I dont let that out. That all now means I’m better at controlling my emotions, I dont need to cry or get overly upset, that strength to carry on and smile through it, is the strength that now means nothing really gets to me at all. Resilience.
      Sleep is vital, I used to sleep 12 hours a day easily, then I have bouts, six months where I get 3/4 in 48/72 hours. Its odd, I get some, clarity during those early hours, late nights, those sunrises and sunsets. Its something about being in that subliminal state when your overtired, drifting somewhere subconsciously that gives insight and incredibly clarity to my days and thoughts. Maybe because I spend my time in a more philosophical state due to not being able to think logically 🙂
      Even when you life isn’t great, something amazing is occuring, your coping, growing, learning and gaining in confidence to cope and overcome things. That happens everyday that we win, we don’t let things control our lives. And that is something incredible.
      I love reading yours and your incredibly honest and indepth comments. They make my day!

  3. Lacking those happy wonderful chemicals myself. But I would not want it any other way. I am a peace with my depression. It’s a part of me and who I am. It makes me unique and able to relate with others who struggle with it themselves. Love your writing and thanks for the follow 🙂

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