Engagements and rest.

“I’m happy to be the bridesmaid, the bride bit can wait till later…”

Today I attended my friends Engagement party. She’s 20, known he boyfriend for years and now a year later, on their first anniversary, he proposed, halfway up a mountain, with flowers, the ring, down on one knee, in a foreign land…It was devastatingly romantic, even for a woman like me, who doesn’t get soppy for compliments or gestures.

But it made me think. It’s not, what I want. For me, it’s all too soon, they’re ready as a couple but, they seem so young, to be committing your life. Is it wrong of me to want to, live a bit more? After a recent break up from a long-term relationship it made me realise,  I’m not ready for all that yet. For marriage, for the whole she-bang. I want to live more, to have a career, to live a little.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those pro feminists who says women shouldn’t be confined to their womanly role and should be able to be the businesswoman, the mother, the martyr all in one. I don’t mean that, for me you can’t be all those things. I don’t think you can be a mum and have a high-powered career and live your life to the full. Its splitting yourself in too many places, you end up doing two jobs half-heartedly well rather than one whole heartedly, and for me, I have to do everything to the best of my ability.

I want that one day, the marriage the kids. I want to be the stay at home mum like mine was, to be there with her kids, for every trip and fall, bump bruise, birthday, swimming gala, football match and Fete. I just, don’t want it now. I have so much more to learn as a person, I am not ready to give myself – all of myself – to another; to give up on my life, and my experience. I guess what ive realised is, I’ve not met that one; the one who I would do anything for, to put my own plans or aspirations on hold for theirs, to settle down and be nothing more than a wife, and a mother.

To say nothing more sounds as though I think it’s a bad thing, like we’re selling ourselves short as woman, but as I’ve already said, that’s not it at all. I’m kind of a traditionalist, I like the idea of cooking for my husband as he returns from work, for being a mum, having mothers coffee mornings, baking cakes for the little ones – being a mother, and a wife, are the hardest jobs I believe in the world. One of the most demanding and worthwhile careers a woman can have.

I’ve just not got there yet. For all my maturity, experience, relationships and loves, I’ve not had that. Or I did, but I messed it up, but that’s for another day. It hasn’t all clicked into place, and that’s exciting, that the world is mine, to explore again, to further myself, to build my career, and have fun finding that person who makes me happy, and you know, will for years to come.

I’m happy for my friends, that they’re there, beginning to build their lives together and support each other. I guess it’s that, I don’t need that now, don’t want it, if it happens, brilliant I shall embrace it whole heartedly, but I’m very much my own person, very much enjoying my life, and looking forward to all that it offers.

This time six months ago, I was planning an engagement for next year, my life in months to come, with a partner, a house, planning my further education around someone else’s career; how things change in a short space of time. It was naive, and needy, planning ahead hoping to resolve the cracks in my relationship with romantic fantasies and far-fetched notions and plans. Now, i’m celebrating with friends, looking at their relationship and realising everything that was wrong with mine, understanding myself, my mindset, my position and smiling, because despite everything… I like my life and I look forward to its next chapter.

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