We all have tough decisions to make. Sometimes in life we seem to have a surge of them, a rough patch when everything goes ‘tits up’. The hardest are those that effect the heart. The ones that pluck our emotions, and tear at resolve. That shake the mask we wear everyday to cover our inner selves.
My recent choices havent been easy. Between loyalty to someone I’ve given time, my thoughts, and a part of me too. And to someone who’s taking over my thoughts, and someone I want to give myself too. It’s a choice between what you think you want, from life, and what you want now.
How do you decide when things are rough? Make that difficult decision to leave someone you care about deeply, but maybe no longer love. What is love? Does it change… does it alter. After time is does that burning fire inside die down? Does everything become, normative. mundane. boring.
A walk. It always clears my head. Not clears. But orders. Walking aimlessly along, no purpose as such apart from take in the scenery and hope that something happens. I tried to clear my mind. Put my mum’s ipod on shuffle, took a deep breath and started to walk. The tunes were melodic, nothing draining or interfering and then suddenly, the iPod stopped. Jumped. Replayed. I stopped and stared out to see and then it happened.
A song. Its cheesy and it’s not what I’d normally call a moment of clarity – exactly why this post isnt called one – but what it did do – was speak to me directly. Say everything that I wanted to say in a way that I wished to. It talked of heartbreak, of being tire of fighting, or facing facts, and walking away.
I realised then, I’d made my decision without making it. Sometimes you just need to realise it. However easy, or hard. Right or wrong. Despite consequences or difficulties that will come. I’m not saying it was a higher power reaching out to me, or that it wasnt just the writing of some cheesy lyrics that I placed emphasis on and interpreted in a way that I felt I needed, but. It didn’t half help.